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名师点评网友BEC初级作文(1)
日期:2010-05-12
本期作文题目:
  You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
  Write a memo of 40-50 words:
  informing staff of the shutdown
   telling them when it will happen
  asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
  
老师提示:
  商务写作中遵循的原则是:简洁,精确,礼貌。在考试中或者工作中,格式基本已经给出,所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当,一针见血,语法正确,不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作,所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽,不必太正式。
  
网友作文一:
  MEMORANDUM
  from : Tom TO : all staff
  date : 25/8
  Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
  I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
  TOM

名师修改意见: 

[1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构,看起来不够专业,改为:As we plan to upgrade.....
[2]有中式英文的痕迹:我要求你们。。。。改为:please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
[3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
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