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The One With Joey’s New Brain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh…
Ross: What’s the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know…
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh…
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Chandler: Too?
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and…
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
All: Oh!!
Chandler: That’s great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It’s ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Don’t do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn