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The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: What’s the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: That’s what you say about porn.
Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstomp3. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…
Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too muc