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The One With Chandler's Dad
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan!
Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding.
Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
Ross: Only way to fly.
(Rachel laughs.)
Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver!
Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.)
Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy.
Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross.
Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
Ross: No way!
Rachel: Well no brush!
Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation.
Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding.
Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not the close. I haven’t seen him in years.
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!
Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care.
Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)
Rachel: My God!
Ross: What do you think you’re doing?!
Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys?
Rachel: Oh.
{Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering