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The One After "I Do"
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change film.
Monica: Okay.
Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. And I’m so excited for you!
Joey: What? What’s going on?
Ross: Monica’s pregnant!
Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
Monica: Guys! I’m not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you’re not pregnant?
Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was did you?!
Ross: No! (Pause) I’ll be right back. (Exits.)
Photographer: Now why don’t we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
Joey: I can’t! I-I don’t have any other clothes here.
Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn’t say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)
Photographer: Well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant?
Monica: Because I’m not.
Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant—(She sees Rachel shaking her head)—It’s because I am.
(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler’s stunned faces.)
Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Yes, I…I am with child. (Flash) And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; I didn’t want to steal your thunder.
Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?!
Chandler: Who’s the father?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: I can’t say.
Monica: Why?!
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous.
Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay, okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand’s husband James Brolin?
Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]
Photographer: Why don’t we have Monica step away and we’ll get Chandler and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?
Chandler: Y’know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.
Phoebe: It is.
Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you.
Phoebe: Sneaky.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Photographer: Smile ladies.
Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: James Brolin?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay.
Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!